It Goes to 11 - The Super Bowl
As several frigid winter storms pulverize the usually tranquil Santa Monica Bay into a cauldron of churning, un-swimmable, bacteria filled garbage consommé; the Super Bowl hype machine ceremoniously amps up its bloviating about New England Patriot greatness all the way past ten - it goes to 11. The frenzied national beast known as the media are busy selling an all too accepting American public the likely crowning of the first undefeated champion since 1972. What sheep dip!
I’ve been watching the pigskin on the boob tube since my satellite HDTV was a rabbit-eared B&W TV. Back when the only time you heard the word satellite was when Walter Cronkite was reporting from the Kremlin on Sputnik. For God’s sake I can remember when the competition was played in mid-January. I recall the halcyon days before SportsCenter, NFL Today, Sunday NFL Countdown, Football Night in America, Monday Night Countdown, Total Access, and PTI. I remember when Around the Horn actually meant around the horn.
In other words, I’m old.
I’ve been watching the pigskin on the boob tube since my satellite HDTV was a rabbit-eared B&W TV. Back when the only time you heard the word satellite was when Walter Cronkite was reporting from the Kremlin on Sputnik. For God’s sake I can remember when the competition was played in mid-January. I recall the halcyon days before SportsCenter, NFL Today, Sunday NFL Countdown, Football Night in America, Monday Night Countdown, Total Access, and PTI. I remember when Around the Horn actually meant around the horn.
In other words, I’m old.
And to quote the famous line from my favorite 70’s movie, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
Well, I’m done. Call me nuts because I don’t buy into the New England Patriots. Label me a conspiracy theorist because I see what’s really going on – the truth.
First of all, I’ve been highly skeptical of the red, white, blue, and silver clad Bostonians ever since 2002 when they catapulted to their first Lombardi trophy with the help of the infamous “Tuck Rule.” That call is still horse hockey. And why are there so many damn phantom holding calls against their opponent week after week conveniently right after a team takes a lead or rips off a big run? It’s like clockwork almost every time: tweet, the ref blows his whistle, the play begins, a little yellow hanky drops onto the turf, and bam, 1st and 20. Instant drive killer. If only there were replays to check the referees’ calls then I could stop writing and give the Nor’easters their props. But there are no replays. The networks force feed us promo after promo for their rotten reality programming like the God awful KidNation or American Idol instead of showing us an instant replay as visual proof. Even Tivo is useless to help you see what they won’t show.
Next, spotless Tom Brady, with more time in the pocket than the Artful Dodger and Fagin from Oliver Twist, picks apart another secretly video taped secondary as his 325 pound linemen grab hold of 325 pound defensive linemen’s jerseys like they are plus size partners on Dancing with the Stars. But still, there are no flags. There just isn’t enough time during the 4 or 5 hour broadcast for replays to show the appalling non-calls that actually could (but I doubt) exonerate the already proven guilty Billicheats.
Well, I’m done. Call me nuts because I don’t buy into the New England Patriots. Label me a conspiracy theorist because I see what’s really going on – the truth.
First of all, I’ve been highly skeptical of the red, white, blue, and silver clad Bostonians ever since 2002 when they catapulted to their first Lombardi trophy with the help of the infamous “Tuck Rule.” That call is still horse hockey. And why are there so many damn phantom holding calls against their opponent week after week conveniently right after a team takes a lead or rips off a big run? It’s like clockwork almost every time: tweet, the ref blows his whistle, the play begins, a little yellow hanky drops onto the turf, and bam, 1st and 20. Instant drive killer. If only there were replays to check the referees’ calls then I could stop writing and give the Nor’easters their props. But there are no replays. The networks force feed us promo after promo for their rotten reality programming like the God awful KidNation or American Idol instead of showing us an instant replay as visual proof. Even Tivo is useless to help you see what they won’t show.
Next, spotless Tom Brady, with more time in the pocket than the Artful Dodger and Fagin from Oliver Twist, picks apart another secretly video taped secondary as his 325 pound linemen grab hold of 325 pound defensive linemen’s jerseys like they are plus size partners on Dancing with the Stars. But still, there are no flags. There just isn’t enough time during the 4 or 5 hour broadcast for replays to show the appalling non-calls that actually could (but I doubt) exonerate the already proven guilty Billicheats.
The endless stream of sound effects, graphics, charts, clips, tables, indexes, game breaks, updates, promos, interviews, text message requests, and robotic overhead crowd shots are dizzying.
Who has time to squeeze in a replay of a boring little holding call?
I’ll admit the Pats are a talented bunch. They seemingly manage every aspect of the game quite well. The front office shrewdly pulls the right strings like letting an over rated Deion Branch go, stealing the brilliant Randy Moss from Dictator Al Davis, or bringing back the cagey Troy Brown every year. And their coaching staff tries very hard. I’m far from alone when I agree with Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson after he needled the Hatriots during their videotaping scandal by saying they live by the credo, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.”
I’ll admit the Pats are a talented bunch. They seemingly manage every aspect of the game quite well. The front office shrewdly pulls the right strings like letting an over rated Deion Branch go, stealing the brilliant Randy Moss from Dictator Al Davis, or bringing back the cagey Troy Brown every year. And their coaching staff tries very hard. I’m far from alone when I agree with Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson after he needled the Hatriots during their videotaping scandal by saying they live by the credo, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.”
Amen, brother. Can I get a witness?
The Pat players are good, maybe great, but we’ll never really truly know because NFL commissioner Jolly Roger Goodell destroyed the Spygate evidence so fast that Tricky Dick Nixon is still spinning in his grave and Trickier Dick Cheney is chortling in his crypt. Those tapes must have been pretty damning. All apologies to Robert Craft. Sorry Chowderheads. Your team will forever live with suspicion, doubt, and tarnished trophies.
But don’t feel bad for the Unibomber coach and his merry men of Foxborough Forest because Mr. Monotone will quickly recover his $500,000 slap on the wrist fine during the off season from one of his many endorsements and speaking engagements for corporate thievedoms everywhere. And even though the team deserves having their seventh pick in the draft stripped, the league did nothing and Bellijerk will hypocritically make the rounds on the talk shows or lecture circuit preaching to high schoolers, college graduates, and executives on the finer points of sportsmanship, ethics, and how to win (at all costs) as long as no one asks him what was really on those tapes.
I can deal with the Patriots success and somewhat appreciate their perfect season and I promise I don’t hate them but only if I am allowed one question: May I please get a replay?
The Pat players are good, maybe great, but we’ll never really truly know because NFL commissioner Jolly Roger Goodell destroyed the Spygate evidence so fast that Tricky Dick Nixon is still spinning in his grave and Trickier Dick Cheney is chortling in his crypt. Those tapes must have been pretty damning. All apologies to Robert Craft. Sorry Chowderheads. Your team will forever live with suspicion, doubt, and tarnished trophies.
But don’t feel bad for the Unibomber coach and his merry men of Foxborough Forest because Mr. Monotone will quickly recover his $500,000 slap on the wrist fine during the off season from one of his many endorsements and speaking engagements for corporate thievedoms everywhere. And even though the team deserves having their seventh pick in the draft stripped, the league did nothing and Bellijerk will hypocritically make the rounds on the talk shows or lecture circuit preaching to high schoolers, college graduates, and executives on the finer points of sportsmanship, ethics, and how to win (at all costs) as long as no one asks him what was really on those tapes.
I can deal with the Patriots success and somewhat appreciate their perfect season and I promise I don’t hate them but only if I am allowed one question: May I please get a replay?
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Remember...
Give peace a chance.
Labels: Sports
posted by The Hustle at
10:39 PM
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