Eight Is Enough Already

Ladies & Gentlemen,

The Hustle happily returns from a glorious summer break to present to you... wait for it... wait...

Your 2008 United States Olympic Swim Team:

Nathan Adrian, Ricky Berens, Ian Crocker, Mark Gangloff, Matt Grevers, Brendan Hansen, Larsen Jensen, Cullen Jones, Klete Keller, Ryan Lochte, Jason Lezak, Aaron Peirsol, Scott Eric Shanteau, Gil Stovall, Peter Vanderkaay, Erik Vendt, David Walters, Mark Warkentin, Garrett Weber-Gale, and Ben Wildman-Tobriner.

Oops, almost forgot one.

Last but not least there's some human/fish hybrid kid from Baltimore named Micheal Phelps too. (Applause here.)

Ahh, drink them in folks. There they are. Love them all.

Better love them now because by October neither you nor I will probably be able to remember their names. But don't feel bad because they will soon become a surefire winning bet in sports bars across America everywhere. Here's how it will work - Just sip your beer and ask:

"Can someone, anyone, name four members of the 2008 U.S. swim team?"

Then sit back, order an appetizer, maybe another brew, and get ready for the cash to roll in almost as fast as it does for Phelps. The drooling Madison Avenue advertisers are fighting over the rights for his image to assault us with. Sure, someone might remember two swimmers, maybe three, but don't worry, you'll clean up. So, remember those names because other than Phelps, once these amphibian boys return stateside, it will be the last time you'll hear their names. All but a few are certain to return to obscurity or selling insurance.

"The help from these guys made it all possible." That's what Phelps said after his record eighth gold medal. Sadly, just as 1972 seven time gold medal champion Mark Spitz before him, Phelps will probably be the only swimmer that everyone remembers. Trust me, the rest of the guys will do okay because winning a gold medal is worth its weight in lifetime financial security. But unless they can dance on TV like Emmit Smith, then their 15 minutes of fame might last as long as the U.S. Women's soccer team. Who? Right.

I have to admit, I did not catch Olympic fever. Although I did catch some fencing at two in the morning that was strangely enjoyable but made me wonder how did fencing become an Olympic event anyway?

I watched a couple of the U.S. "Redeem Team" basketball games to see Kobe & company but mostly, I chose baseball, preseason NFL games, and even DVDs of the old 1950's TV series "Playhouse 90" over watching the terrible NBC Olympic coverage. Why? Too many damn commercials, too sappy, and NBC hardly ever broadcast events I wanted to see live on the west coast. I knew the results and found it quite boring without the built-in drama of real time. I wasn't alone. Many people have pointed this out. Bret Lewis, a local sportscaster said, "I don't want to complain about NBC tape-delaying the events, but last night I watched a swimming race. And the winner was Mark Spitz."

Meanwhile, in real time, the world keeps spinning.

Russia and Georgia went to war, which is a major deal, but our President was too busy to come home because he was having a merry time in China on our dime playing grab ass with our women volleyball players. Hey, Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh are hot, but come on, it was just too much to stomach.

Pepsi sprinted to lead the pack of wild western corporations lining up to pander to the Chinese government for a chance to "brand" a billion Chinese consumers by painting giant soda cans all red.

Are consumers now cattle? What, drink a Pepsi for Communism?

By the way, I have not and will not drink any soda drink until every soft drink company gets rid of the corn syrup that they sneak into their unhealthy products. It is making American kids fat and diabetic. Even sugar is healthier than disgusting corn syrup, which is very hard to digest and chokes arteries. Plus, do Chinese people really need KFC, Starbucks, and the Golden Arches?

How about first helping the victims of the Sichuan earthquake before getting a Burger King.

Democracy Now with Amy Goodman, one of the best sources for truthful news and information, reported before the Olympics that Tibetan protesters were going to be shut down in China and they were. But you didn't see it if you watch the mainstream media. They didn't air those monk loving peaceniks, who were silenced faster than a gay wedding here in one of our "red" American states.

Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, and their sexy trophy wives better watch out.

The mainstream media was quick to condemn the Chinese women's gymnastic team for being under age but still loves and praises the man responsible for the terrible trend of younger, skinnier gymnasts - Béla Károlyi. This nut job has abused young girls for decades and according to acclaimed sports author Dave Zirin, Bella called the Chinese gymnasts "half people."

Maybe they do need the Big Mac.

The Chinese responded to allegations of their girls being too small, thin, and young by simply suggesting that maybe U.S. athletes are bigger, more muscular, and stronger because they are all on steroids.

Ouch!

But the number of athletes breaking world records is higher than the number of hot dogs Joey Chestnut can eat at Nathan's in Coney Island. And their record times do raise my steroid antenna. Sorry, the same thought crossed my mind in 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were filling up a swimming pool full of home runs and look how that turned out. And the list of fans being sunk by steroids is long. Olympic experts said the amazing swim times are because the pool is deeper and the outside lanes were not used. And every swimmer in the world is suddenly faster than Aquaman? Something seems a little fishy to me and reminds me of the Tour de France. Paging Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis. Table for two. (For the record, I love Lance Armstrong but there are questions.)

Supposedly, Olympic testing is very thorough and cheating is impossible but where have we heard that before? I wonder. Maybe we should check the international swimmers' feet for gills or water wings. Or maybe they all should pee in a cup and not just not the pool. Either way it is time to pull the plug.

That said, if Michael Phelps is clean, and I truly hope he and his swim mates are all drug free, then his story is one for the ages. Amazing. He's up there with Jesse Owens, Bruce Jenner, Edwin Moses, and Carl Lewis.

He's an instant American icon. That is, until American Idol returns. Basically, I can sum up the summer sports season with two words:

FINALLY. FOOTBALL.

Welcome back Hustlers.

Remember, please give peace a chance.